The Goal of an abuser is CONTROL
For many victims, it's difficult to recognize when a pattern of abuse has developed in their relationship. Instead, they often see abusive behaviors as isolated, unrelated incidents. Yet, abuse often happens in cycles, with abusive episodes interspersed with periods of calm, loving support, and affirmation—nurturing and caring that initially drew the two partners together. However, the abusive pattern that develops can often become predictable and a source of tension, even during periods of calm.
The cycle of abuse may be described as:
- Tension may arise within a relationship. It may be the result of a minor disagreement.
- Tension continues to build over a period of hours, or days or perhaps months.
- Something will trigger an abusive incident. This assault may be physical, psychological, or sexual. (see types of abuse)
- A period of calm follows. This is often called the "honeymoon phase." The abuser may buy his/her partner gifts or lavish attention on him/her, often feeling sorry for what has happened.
- Over time, the above cycle changes. More small incidents will occur, tension will increase, and the cycle will begin again. Both partners want to believe incidents of abuse will not repeat themselves, but they usually do.
Although abuse most often happens as part of a cycle, some victims never experience a cycle or pattern. Some abusive incidents happen without provocation, warning, or buildup, and there may be no periods of calm. The abuser may show no remorse. In other cases, tension is always present.
However, because abuse tends to follow a pattern, there are usually signs that can alert you to take action and keep yourself as safe as possible.
Types of Abuse:
Abuse is a pattern of behavior in which physical violence or emotional coercion is used to gain and maintain power or control in a relationship. Abuse may be continuous, or it may be a single incident of assault. Abuse may be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, or economic. It can include threats, the destruction of property, and/or stalking or harassing behaviour. The following are examples of abuse:
Physical: Hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, choking, burning, shoving, using objects or weapons, locking up or confining, interfering with sleeping or eating, restricting the mobility or access of a differently abled person.
Sexual: Forcing sexual acts, sexual assaults with or without weapons or objects used as weapons, assault for refusal to engage in a sexual activity.
Stalking/Harassing behaviour: following you around, appearing unexpectedly at or waiting outside your workplace or home. Repeated phone calls, mail/emails to the victim and/or family, friends or colleagues.Psychological/Emotional: Repetitive and excessive criticism, humiliation and degradation, which can include swearing, name calling and put downs. Restricting or controlling access to personal or social resources or friends, and threat or harm done to family pets.
Threats: Direct intentions to harm you, your family or friends.
Destruction of property: destruction of property or your personal items.
Economic: Controlling finances, stealing money, and creating debt and interfering with employment or education.
